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I think I got it this time.

Both sites seem to be working so I’ll decide which to use as blog and which to use as journal

 

another start

checking to see if this one will be good for Israel

Updating

I guess what I’m doing is really updating my life. It just continues to grow worse and worse and I honestly don’t know what to do.  I can’t see any way of making enough money to stay here.  I am sad and disappointed that my girls make no effort to even address my situation except to hint at suggestions that would meet their wishes and/or requirements and absolutely give no consideration to the fact that this is my life and that there isn’t a whole lot of it left. Moving to NJ into that horrible little house is my worst nightmare.  Anything I might get from selling this house would have to go to basically rebuilding that one.  Obviously I can’t afford to buy anything. And I would be just as alone there as here.  And there is nothing for Max there.  Here he has friends, a decent job and acts like the adult he has turned out to be.  Just hoping I can catch up on this mortgage so I at least have the year or so to keep trying to make some money.  If it weren’t for Max I would be totally destroyed right now.  He takes us out to eat, brings me treats and drives for me when I can’t function.  Mason, with all his weirdness, does things around the house and so far we are not drowning in dirt. (Close to it though).

I have been searching assiduously for a way to earn money.  I’m really not employable around here – I look old and don’t have the strength for an on your feet for hours job. I have settled on a few on-line moneymaking sites, have invested a little and am diligently working at learning how to do the digital marketing thing.  But its not easy and I am constantly bumping up against things I don’t understand.

I have no social life – two actual friends who are kind to me, but loneliness seems to be my way of life from now on.  I can’t afford to go out, can’t afford to go to movies, concerts etc. and nobody really cares.  Everybody feels they have to pay for me and I can’t stand that.  I can’t afford to even go to museums or take a class at the Art League or even online unless its free.  I can’t motivate myself to exercise and while my voiced intentions sound good, they are useless and i can’t motivate myself to do anything but lay around.

Lost

Its already January and I’m no further along in my quest to fix myself.  I am really frightened that I will not be able to survive here.  Im working at setting up income from online work.  I’ve really delved into that, creating some business ids, spending a bit of money on digital marketing with of course no return yet, and I’m at it hours and hours. I haven’t been able to find work anywhere – I’m either too old, not qualified. or ignored.  Without Max’s irregular and arbitrary contributions, I wouldn’t be able to make it even today.  What a mess!

December 29, 2016

Here I am at the end of the year. Elliot has been gone almost a full year now and I am in even worse shape than I thought I would be at this point. Financially I am in a disaster. I don’t eve…

Source: December 29, 2016

December 29, 2016

Here I am at the end of the year. Elliot has been gone almost a full year now and I am in even worse shape than I thought I would be at this point.  Financially I am in a disaster.  I don't even have enough to take care of my fixed monthly committments.  If Max weren't working and contributing, albeit inconsistently, I wouldn't be able to survive right now. But that aside, the real story of me at this time is depression and fear.  I know I am depressed but I don't see any value in asking for medical help. Drugs won't do anything and I am fearful enough about my medical status hat I don't want to mess around with it.  I am extraordinarily lonely and with the exception of two friends who are caring and relatively attentive despite their own issues, I have no real friends or confidantes.  I am engaged in an exercise in futility in job searching and I borrowed and spent too much money getting involved in this pyramid scheme of money earning which I now have to continue so that I can generate money to pay back what I borrowed. But the real depth is the loneliness. Elliot and I weren't really lovers or friends but we ended up over the years living together as companions. And that is  at least a portion of the ingredients of loneliness.
The other deep and abiding fear is what will happen to me and where will I go. None of my children have even come up with the concept of taking care of me.  The only solution available is Manahawkin, a horrible concept at its best, and clearly not a solution to saving my home here.  Which I am going to eventually lose and can't maintain safely even now.  I certainly didn't inherit my mother's common sense and intelligent planning capabilities.    So I lie awake in fear, go out as little as possible and try to talk myself into doing the things I would like to do, but can't muster up the psychic will for.  Enough mouldering for today. Maybe I will come up with something better to talk about tomorrow.

What’s Next

So I have made the financial committment and signed up. Today begins my career as a digital marketer and business person. I am absolutely petrified. Tomorrow I meet with my official business adviso…

Source: What’s Next

What’s Next

So I have made the financial committment and signed up.  Today begins my career as a digital marketer and business person. I am absolutely petrified.  Tomorrow I meet with my official business advisor and have to do a lot of preparation today for that. See ya tomorrow!

Hopeful Today

So I got enough money to get started. Very expensive money to be sure and I sure hope that I can make it back fairly quickly.  I am really motivated to do this.  My only concern now is that the coach assigned to me for the beginning hasn't responded since Saturday to my requests to help me go forward. I'm assuming its because it's the weekend and there is a huge time difference between Australia where he is located and Southwest Florida.  If I don't hear from him during the day I will do a telephone call to the US number and connect with a more local person. I don't want to use the money until I am sure I am setting it up correctly.

Is this progress?

I think I'm highly motivated but I'm really scared. I have committed to the Digital Altitude thing and Im borrowing pretty expensive money to do it. I'm hoping (banking on) that as they promise I will be earning enough in a few weeks to pay off the money I'm borrowing and pay the costs of continuing in the program.  The concepts of digital marketing fascinate me and since I have been unsuccessful finding an income stream anywhere else and don't want to get involved with another law firmthis seems worth the effort.  This morning the first thing I couldn't wait to go online, check my mail, listen to the daily audio post and then I started looking at NJ Bar listings to see if I could find email links.  Harder than it looks. I definitely need the training that I hope I will get from Digital.

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